the april 2024 list
mentally gloomy days that persisted, an in-depth reflection of baby reindeer, and my thoughts on ttpd/eternal sunshine
April was not a good month. I don’t know what happened, but stress kept piling on, one after another, I found myself struggling to fall asleep most of the nights, my ear piercing got infected, and I shed a lot of tears (more than usual). Disarray is the best word to describe how this past month felt. Here are my ratings for each domain of my life:
PHYSICAL: 3/10. Went on less than 5 walks in total, but put in the effort to actually cook. Also had to go to the ER.
EMOTIONAL: 1/10. Big struggle this month, with my pre-PMS period being more volatile than usual.
RELATIONSHIP: 9/10. Mr. Beans and I have moved on from the friendship stage to the romantic stage of our break to relationship growth journey.
FRIENDSHIPS: 6/10. Caught up with many friends this month, but am realizing that one of my closest friends isn’t someone I’d like to be super close to in my life at this current moment.
CAREER/PROFESSIONAL: 6/10. Things at work have been stagnant in terms of paper writing, since our project is wrapping up and everyone is forced to write sections in the annual report (bleh).
FINANCES: 7/10. My ER visit hasn’t hit my account yet, which is why my finances are similar to last month’s. The market is down a bit, but because I’ve only invested in mutual funds, I barely feel a difference. Pros of having a conservative investing method!
My overall rating for April is a 5.3. It’s certainly not ideal, as 7+ is what I’d like to aim for, for a smooth coasting month. However, shit happens, and there’s not much I can do about circumstances that are out of my control.
A list of items, feelings, or experiences that bring me joy without having to contribute to the worsening of the environment or my wallet.
✮⋆˙Setting spending boundaries while hanging out with friends. I’ve personally gone on far too many day trips with Bumble Beans and spent $90+ each time, and this ruins the rest of the month because I’m limited to no-spend activities. This impacts spending time with Mr. Beans, because while we’re not big spenders, we love doing little trips that cost money here and there (not exorbitant amounts, mind you!). My excessive spends with Bumble Beans have caused strain, so I’ve been trying to be more mindful with the type of spending. During my second hang with Bumble Beans, I ate lunch at home and spent money on coffee (~$6), parking ($1), and a box of donuts for Mr. Beans, categorized as a gift (~$18).
✮⋆˙Psychological thriller/mystery dramas, but limited series. Oh boy, I’ve been on a psych kick lately. I don’t know why or how, but these shows tickle my brain in the best way possible. This is a no spend for me, because I leech off my friend’s Netflix (jk, he knows I use it and logged in for me). I know that Bumble Beans watches shows on Watch Series for free, so for those who are willing to potentially compromise your laptop for a free show, she’s said she’s never had a problem with it (she said it, not me). I’ve been documenting my film “journey” on Letterboxd, so head on over there for all my reviews.
✮⋆˙ Taking space when needed, and coming back whenever I’m ready. Late last year, I had some personal issues with a friend of mine, and I didn’t particularly feel comfortable keeping her in my life in the same way that I’ve been used to. She was once my best friend, and I wouldn’t consider her one anymore. I saw her again this month, and it was actually quite nice catching up with her. I realized that there are some friends who I’m able to spend all my free time with, but there are times when I’ll need space if I feel suffocated in a friendship. Once I take that space, I’m able to come back to the friendship with less resentment. I’m experiencing a similar feeling again with a different friend, and am taking some time apart from her to focus on other things, like my friendship with Bumble Beans and building a relationship with Mr. Beans.
A detailed overview of my income sources, mandatory expenses, non-essential expenses, and savings/investments. Screenshots are taken from YNAB, a budgeting tool that allows me to budget with the money I already have, instead of what I plan to make.
APP USED: YNAB
I use an app called YNAB, or You Need a Budget, to track my expenses, net worth, and sinking funds. A big component of YNAB is the ability to budget with the money I currently have instead of how much I expect to have in the future. If any of the numbers seem wonky, it is because YNAB allows you to budget for future months. I usually allocate money from the second paycheck of the month to my budget for the next month, because my current month is already funded from last month.
Explaining how to use YNAB is a bit tricky, but it gets more intuitive after using it! Bottom line is—if my numbers don’t add up in this section, it is most likely because money allocated to some categories were from the previous month.
NET WORTH
My net worth was $124,539.99 at the end of April. Last month’s net worth was incorrect, because my Fidelity account was not properly synced to Credit Karma, and I posted last month’s newsletter before realizing this.
INCOME
My income was $3,179.88. This is the breakdown based on my income source:
9-5 Job ($2,867.40): For context, my gross yearly salary is $74,000, and I do academic research at a university. I am enrolled in my university’s free PPO health insurance plan, which is an insanely good health insurance plan to begin with (they also offer PPO plans that cost extra). Everything else is covered by the university (dental, vision, life/disability).
FB Marketplace ($150): I sold one furniture piece—someone offered me $100 for my $250 listing, and we settled on $150. I suffered quite a financial loss from this purchase, since I originally paid $1,614 for it. Yikes.
Ebay: ($109.30): I sold 4 items this month! As you can see here, the items I resell are priced pretty low, so that’s how I’m usually able to get things sold relatively quickly. You win some, you lose some.
Substack ($19.41): It’s the fact that there are people out there willing to pay for my writing! For those who are new, I do one exclusive post per month, only for paid subscribers. You can view a short preview of each one here.
Gumroad ($11.28): I don’t promote my templates as often as I used to, so it’s always pleasantly surprising to see people still finding them and purchasing! A big thank you!
Claim ($22.49): This was a complete surprise, as I think I filed a claim for a place I used to work for during undergrad a couple years ago? Or maybe they had my information on file. Something happened, and I got $20 in the mail.
One thing to note is that my interest payment from Wealthfront did not hit my account until the first of May. This happens when the last day of April coincides with the weekend, so the payment doesn’t get processed.
ESSENTIAL EXPENSES
There was nothing out of the ordinary in terms of essential expenses. I spent a total of $2,064.60.
Rent ($1425.05): I split rent with Mr. Beans each month. He pays $2,300, and I pay the remaining balance. Do note that he covers the full extent of utilities, including electricity, water, trash, trash valet, parking, and any pesky fees that get added to our bill.
Therapy ($165): I usually do 2 sessions per month, and each session costs $165. However, I had a scheduling conflict this month so I needed to cancel one appointment.
Health ($11.81): This was for Ibuprofen, antibiotics for my ear infection, and melatonin.
Spotify ($2.83): April is my family plan’s yearly renewal date, so I send the cute and quirky message of “y’all still down for another year” in the chat, everyone agrees, and Venmos me $35. Great system. This comes out to $2.83 per person per month, if anyone’s curious.
Sunsama ($20): Still going strong with this app, but I might give Notion a try again. Mr. Beans has a great to-do list system going on in Notion and it’s inspiring me (+ Notion is free).
Groceries ($229.89): A bulk of this spend was a 50 pound bag of rice. Besides that, I went home for one of the weekends, so the following week’s meals were covered because my mom packed food. Keep in mind that these expenses are just for me, not Mr. Beans! He gets free food from work, so he doesn’t usually eat my food.
Gas ($90): Higher spend on gas because Bumble Beans and I did a little trip to Ventura (I drove), and I went back home on a separate weekend.
Social ($165.87): I would have spent much less if it weren’t for my initial hefty spend with Bumble Beans earlier this month. I had 6 social “events”! How wild for little introverted me!
NON-ESSENTIAL EXPENSES
Cushion is categorized as overflow from the essential categories. Intentional Buy expenses are by nature, non-essential. I spent a total of $137.33 in this category.
Cushion ($91): I made my first FB Marketplace purchase—the Dyson Hair Dryer! Mr. Beans and I split the total cost, which was $180. I also spent $1 on parking in the latter half of this month.
Intentional Buy ($46.33): Bumble Beans and I made DIY charm bracelets at Brooklyn Charm. It was a whole lot of fun, but I planned to not spend any money in this category. Ah well.
SINKING FUNDS
YNAB is superior when it comes to tracking sinking funds! I have a mix of small sinking funds (Canva, gifts) and large sinking funds (travel, music). I spent a total of $142.95 in this category.
Canva ($119.99): My yearly Canva membership renews every April. Luckily, I’ve been saving up for this so this was no surprise!
Gifts ($22.96): Purchased washi tape at a local stationary pop up shop for Bumble Beans ($4.26) and a box of vegan donuts from Donut Friend for Mr. Beans ($18.70).
SAVINGS/INVESTMENTS
Contributions to my Roth IRA and Emergency Fund are taken from my net monthly pay. I saved/contributed a total of $2,957.26. I only display my net, not gross income, so the amount in Pre-Tax Investments do not make up any part of the Income amount.
Roth IRA ($2,314.40): Any “side hustle” money directly goes to my Roth IRA. This was my highest contributing month, and I’m on track to maxing this out before the end of this year. However, I do want to try to max it out earlier if possible. I’m 76% of the way through!
total roth ira contributions so far Emergency Fund ($642.86): In a recent post about sinking funds, I talked about how one of the funds I want to bulk up is my emergency fund. I had $17K sitting in here, but because I’m applying for PhD programs for 2026 matriculation, there is uncertainty in whether I’ll still be employed around that time, and a significant decrease in salary following acceptance (if I do get into a program). Therefore, the plan is to save $35K before my PhD. It is a hefty goal, but I know it’s possible!
Pre-Tax Investments ($2,432.60): This is not part of the Income total; therefore, I haven’t assigned a percentage next to the total amount.
401K Match ($453.64): My employer gives me a 8% match.
401K Contributions ($396.92): This is the amount I contribute.
403B Contributions ($1,582.04): I’ve assigned 30% of my pre-tax paychecks to be allocated to this.
HIGHLIGHTS
Sold five items on Ebay this month! I’m always grateful when I get a sale, and this was a strong month for me (however, it’ll take a lot to beat last month, where I sold 6 items!).
Happy Tortured Poets Department release month! I haven’t talked much about it on my stories, but best believe I’ve been playing this album as much as possible—it’s a chonky one! My above 7 rankings are as follows (out of 10, 10 being the best). Thoughts about a few of the songs are in the media section of this newsletter down below. I realized I prefer songs produced by Jack more than the ones produced by Aaron (first half over second half).
I did a really fun magic themed escape room for a friend’s birthday. We did one last year for his birthday, so I think it’s going to be a ritual for all of us to do one each year. It was a ton of fun! I usually feel quite useless in escape rooms because I’m not very perceptive, but there was a potions room that I took over. Professor Slughorn’s Potions class in Half Blood Prince transformed me into a Potions girl for life.
Hung out with Bumble Beans twice this month! We spent one of the days exploring Ventura and making our charm necklaces, and the other in LA wandering in and out of thrift shops.
coffee stop, then necklace charm making. taken with a fujifilm x100v I finally cooked this month! For those who have been reading my stories and posts, you probably know that since Mr. Beans and I decided to go on a break, I’ve started visiting my parent’s home more frequently (aka every week), and my mom will always pack a week’s worth of food whenever I drive back to my apartment. I’ve been taking a break from going back to my parent’s because I like spending time at the apartment, doing life admin tasks, which means I have to actually cook. I’ve been making a very basic cabbage stir fry with Lee Kum Kee mushroom stir fry sauce (I swear this makes everything taste good), dubu jorin (the recipe I used wasn’t good, but I know I love Maangchi’s recipe for this), and Instant Pot moong daal (again, used a different recipe from another blogger, and I was not a fan).
Learned how to use the self-service station at my local post office to ship off my EBay packages. I usually head to the post-office around midday, and that’s when it’s the busiest (makes sense, since it’s also everyone else’s lunch break). The number of times I’ve had to wait 30-40 minutes in line just to get a QR code scanned and a label printed on is frustrating. I finally gave the self-service station a try and it was so easy!
Caught up with a friend from grad school. She was in town for a wedding, so the day after the ceremony she had some time to catch up. We had a vegan brunch, and in the same outdoor shopping “mall”, there was an Earth Day celebration that featured a bunch of small businesses. I also tried a new coffee place and it was actually really good!
I’m unlearning everything my mom told me about thrifting or secondhand shopping. This is in part due to Bumble Beans’ influence—she loves shopping, and most of her clothes and furniture items are found secondhand. I recently started exploring new thrift/vintage boutiques with her, and it’s been so much fun!
Mr. Beans and I decided that we have established a strong foundation for a friendship, and we’re ready to revisit the romantic part of a relationship. A lot of good progress has been made, and we are both really grateful that we decided to go on a break instead of actually breaking up.
LOWLIGHTS
Had a terrible infection from my ear piercing that lasted for a week until I finally went to the ER at midnight and experienced terribly excruciating pain while the doctor tried to pry the threadless studs from my inflamed ear lobe. On top of that, a hefty bill hit my account since it’s the beginning of the year, and I haven’t hit my deductible yet. Estimated to be at least $558.66.
Lost quite a bit of money after cancelling the Boston flight. I was really excited to go back, but due to scheduling conflicts, I had to cancel. I never get travel insurance because I always think that it’s a waste of money until situations like this happen and I regret it so much. United charged a $200 cancellation fee, so I only got around $400 in flight credit back.
A mosquito found its way into my car and gave me three nasty bites. And of course, this had to happen the weekend when I went home to my parent’s house. There’s something about my parent’s home that attracts mosquitoes because I’m always getting bit there. Even in my own room! I also get the worst reaction to bites—they get extremely inflamed and turn a deep red color.
Been experiencing loss of motivation with posting on Instagram. I used to be really good at posting regularly on Instagram, but I’ve realized that creating infographics isn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. Ever since creating my Substack, I’ve rediscovered my love for writing. The type of writing I do on here forces me to be accountable for everything I stand for, do, spend money on, or preach about. My increased motivation with Substack writing might be impacting my decreased motivation for Instagram posts.
All the films and shows I watched this month. My Letterboxd reviews are hyperlinked to each film title.
FILMS/SHOWS
Griselda (dir. Andrés Baiz) // ✮✮✮✮.
Lots and lots of trigger warnings, and this took me a while to actually get through due to its heavy content, but I personally thought this was exceptionally filmed. Plus, Sofia Vergara as a the cocaine godmother is something I didn’t ever think to ask for, but am more than grateful it existed.
Echoes // ✮✮✮
After being spoiled by Harlan Coben adaptations, other psychological thrillers can barely hold their weight. This was such an annoying series.
Anatomy of a Scandal (dir. S.J. Clarkson) // ✮✮✮
All I can say is some negative reinforcement can be healthy.
The Stranger (dir. Daniel O’Hara, Hannah Quinn) // ✮✮✮✮
The storyline was absolutely nuts. Wow.
Stay Close (dir. Daniel O’Hara, Lindy Heymann) // ✮✮✮✮
Main character pissed me the hell off but if you love an anti-hero reveal, then you would absolutely love this.
Baby Reindeer (dir. Weronika Tofilska, Josephine Bornebusch) // ✮✮✮✮✮
As promised, here is my review of this limited series. Please note that there are spoilers, so if you do plan on watching this, I highly recommend you to not read! Unless you’re okay with spoilers, of course.
When I first read the synopsis for Baby Reindeer, I wasn’t entire sure whether this was a true crime documentary psychological thriller hybrid, and after watching this limited series, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s none of the above. Sure, it touches on psychological themes, and yes, there is crime involved. But the story behind Baby Reindeer is actually a story about loneliness, isolation, and the internal battle of hiding your shame from a traumatic incident. This is a story about how unresolved trauma manifests in the most debilitating and self-sabotaging of ways.
Before I talk about themes that arose, I would like to take this moment to acknowledge Richard Gadd’s resilience needed to play the character Donny, as this is based on Richard’s personal life story. In the most painful episode of the series, Episode 4, Gadd reports in an interview with Netflix, “It was difficult going back to these things. I felt like I needed to get it all out in one go because if I broke from it, I might break from the flow of it.”1
Throughout this series, Donny navigates life with a permanent crease on his forehead, a marker of unyielding stress that he can’t seem to shake. Aspiring comedian working as a bartender at a pub, Donny depicts the “this is the job that pays the bills while I pursue my dreams” persona, but his reality is that his dreams are quite stagnant. When Martha, the so-called stalker, appears in the first episode, I was as drawn as Donny was to her jubilant, whole-body laughter and in some sort of way, a believable delusion that prompts confusion and a little bit of doubt (because there’s no way this woman is a lawyer but can’t afford her diet coke), but later, a wave of sympathy. It is clear that there is something wrong with Martha, because a pathological liar shouldn’t have the ability to get away with everything she’s done, right? At the beginning, I felt my frustration increasing, as Donny’s inability to “rid” Martha from his life caused turbulence between him and Teri, the Trans-Woman who he later develops a deeper romantic connection with. But the thing is, why would someone keep entertaining Martha, a serial stalker with a criminal history of repeated attempts, in their life, if they also aren’t struggling with something themselves?
The episode that describes Donny’s backstory was difficult to watch. I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes open for most of the episode, because they were very triggering for me. But let’s discuss grooming in the Hollywood industry, and how broken the entertainment industry is for something like this to continue to happen. The power dynamic between a boss and their employees is usually clear in a workspace. However, mentorship is a completely different story. Mentorship feels like you, as the mentee, owe the mentor a favor because they’re taking free time to help you reach your career aspirations. The mentor/mentee relationship can slip into dangerous territory more easily than the boss/employee relationship, because there aren’t a clear set of rules that forces a boundary to be drawn, and anyone who breaches that may get away without facing consequences. Donny describing how despite knowing that Darrien abused him while he was blacked out from the drugs that Darrien asked him to do the night before and kept going to his place over and over again adequately depicts how an abusive relationship is not only difficult to get out of, but sometimes too terrible and frightening to leave. Fearful persistence describes Donny when he refused to spend time with Keeley, his girlfriend at the time, on her birthday, forcing her to spend it alone. In the meantime, similarly to a robot in its beta version, he still goes to see Darrien despite knowing what is about to happen. This is another example of how grooming shuts down rational thought and will to break the cycle. Most of the time, the mentee or abusee is emotionally and physically manipulated to the point where fight or flight mechanisms completely shut down, and survival instinct is dampened by intense fear. Safety and fear synchronize to pose rational thought for the abuse at hand. Donny’s couple weeks of fame with the help of Darrien solidified the idea that Donny couldn’t succeed without him, and that he was willing to do anything to make Darrien stay at the expense of his mental health.
This show did such an incredible job at describing how this trauma affected the way Donny approached dating, sex, and love in the subsequent episodes. In wanting to take back control and to not let Darrien win, Donny put himself in situations where he could have been assaulted again. These efforts were a defense mechanism for him to try to put Darrien on an even playing field, that his actions don’t mean shit if Donny were to also let other people do the same things to him. BUT! The opposite occurs. The trauma gets buried more deeply inside the brain, as the person loses more and more of their humanity, such as the ability to think rationally, to love another person, or to differentiate right from wrong.
In understanding all of this, it makes complete sense as to why Donny keeps Martha around, despite his frustrations with her interference in his life. Due to her illness (erotomania and borderline personality disorder, according to San Francisco therapist, Avigail Lev), Martha was persistent in her possessiveness with Donny that should have pushed a non-traumatized person away, but it only captivated Donny even further. This is evident when you realize that he has avoided going to the police, and more importantly, avoided criminalizing her as best as possible, including the lack of mentions of her violent tendencies and threats to Keri.
The ending of this show pushed my rating from a 4.5 to 5 stars, because the conversation about trauma never steps at one person. It is passed on, from generation to generation, and until someone puts in the inner work to disrupt this cycle, the trauma will continue to persist. The generational trauma is revealed when Donny has a conversation with his father, and Donny’s father shared that he too was assaulted by someone in the Catholic church. This conversation felt like closure for both the viewer and Donny, because not only is speaking about your trauma the first step in moving past it, but also it reinforces the significance in how family bonds are not only tight by blood, but also by these experiences.
The vulnerability and empathy in this show is one I haven’t seen done in such a way, ever before. You will feel discomfort, fear, and confusion, because at times, it feels like the vulnerability and empathy shouldn’t be given, or aren’t deserved. But these feelings, at least for me, slowly shifted into the realization, that people have the capacity to do such great, fucking things, and that some people, some completely fucked up people in this world have darkness in them that takes away all the good in a person and leaves their corpse behind without any remorse.
One of the most surprising scenes in the last episode is seeing Donny go back to Darrien’s house, where he says “yes” to an opportunity to act for Darrien’s hit television show, in which Donny later breaks down in the following scene. You could evidently see that Darrien did not change throughout the years, and while not explicitly stated, it is safe to assume that he probably continued to assault other aspiring comedians after Donny left. Even after the mention of Donny’s viral video, Darrien’s tone of voice was nonchalant, as if it weren’t him who was the assaulter all along. Darrien’s gaslighting in this scene felt similar to the way he treated Donny in the past — “take the drugs, you’ll be safe because I’m here”, and then afterwards, acting like the blackouts and the assaults were a part of the routine. You could see how much pain Donny still has to work through, despite the floodgates opening (the viral video and telling his parents). This is shown later on when Donny begins to have a dependency, almost an obsession with Martha’s voicemails. There is a mix of discomfort and curiosity when you see Donny manually categorizing Martha’s voicemails into emotions (happy, sad, excited), and feeling a sense of comfort when listening to them, despite her causing so much trouble and paranoia to him and his parents.
The last heartbreaking scene takes place in the last episode when Donny listens to why Martha calls him “baby reindeer”. We already know that there is something deeply wrong with Martha, but her childish nature makes you question what happened to her when she was younger. What events in her life have contributed to her mental illness — was she born with it, or did her environment exacerbate something that already existed in the first place? The last scene where Donny forgets his wallet was unsettling, because it paralleled the first episode when Martha met Donny. Was this an act of missing Martha? Or is this him taking Martha’s place by stalking this new bartender? Maybe it was the realization that he and Martha are more alike than he thought?
The best part about this limited series was how the show made me feel once it ended. It felt like the beginning stages of recovery, but there was no guarantee that recovery would actually happen. While Donny is finally aware of his pain and how he cannot live his life pushing his suffering, it also made me worry that he will slip back into old patterns of self-sabotage, because recovery is not guaranteed for everyone, as addressing this type of trauma is incredibly difficult and frightening. All I can say is that this show depicted the messiness of trauma and finding a path to recovery in the most realistic way, and someone could learn a thing or two from it.
MUSIC
NEW: The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology by Taylor Swift. // ✮✮✮
When I first listened to this album, I knew I needed some time to click with the songs. It doesn’t mean that the album is bad if repetition is needed! Please note that these are my pre-Genius analyses! Therefore, some of the interpretations may be wrong, as I’m not great with figuring out Taylor’s clues throughout her videos and songs. Here are my impressions of a few songs that stood out the most to me, paired with my ratings out of 10.
Fortnight (ft. Post Malone). I initially rated this a 7.5, because the one thing I noticed was how repetitive the lyrics were. This became a pattern throughout the first half of the album, and while I was not particularly a fan of this style of music or lyricism, the musicality grew on me.
It is a good song in itself, and Post’s voice layered seamlessly with Taylor’s. It reminded me of Snow on the Beach, but I am really glad Taylor gave Post his own verse. I remember really wanting Lana to have her own verse on SOTB, and thank god the More Lana Del Ray version exists. It’s also interesting to note that Taylor’s references to drinking and alcoholism are more striking in this album compared to the others: “I was a functioning alcoholic / 'Til nobody noticed my new aesthetic”. It piques my curiosity as to why so many people continue to create reels about missing Joe Alwynn, when she seemed to be at a very low point with her mental health during a period of time in this relationship.
Down Bad. I initially rated this a 7, and it’s stayed this rating since then. I really do love this song, and find myself going absolutely nuts in the car whenever it starts to play. One thing I caught on my first listen (very proud of this, since I’m really bad at catching lyrics in songs) is the reference of building forts (“I'll build you a fort on some planet / Where they can all understand it / How dare you think it's romantic / Leaving me safe and stranded”) which parallels the line, “I'm laughin' with my lover, makin' forts under covers” from Call It What You Want. It feels too perfect of a juxtaposition of how Joe allegedly made Taylor felt when they were together during the post-Reputation era, and how he preferred a more private life than a public one. I see Call It What You Want as the antithesis of Down Bad, balancing protection and safety versus isolation. It is no surprise that human beings suffer when isolated, and it seems like Taylor suffered from a great bit of isolation during her relationship with Joe, once the negativity2 died down.
The Alchemy. I rated this an 8.7 initially, which is my second highest rating for this album. This song is catchy and a definite “head-banger”. One of my favorite Taylor references to Kanye West/Kim Kardashian is when she referred to them as “clowns” in peace: “But there’s robbers to the east, clowns to the west”, and in this song, she says: “Call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team / Ditch the clowns, get the crown”. The most poignant line for me is: “He jokes that it's heroin, but this time with an "E"", because not only does Taylor have a number of drug-related references in this album, but the wordplay on heroine vs. heroin is nearly chilling, as it makes me question whether the drug is a standalone metaphor for the all consuming, “high”-inducing nature of love, or if she actually developed a substance addiction in periods of her life where she developed unhealthy coping mechanisms as a withdrawal from love.
But Daddy I Love Him. The bridge is the most superior in this album. I love how Taylor shone the light on how easily fans (or haters) cast judgment on celebrities, taking in facts from various (questionable) sources but never knowing the full story. This is common among public-facing women who date questionable men (Matty Healy). One thing I’ve particularly disliked about dedicated fanbases and how quick people spring to social media to post vile comments about someone else’s morality or life decisions is that the celebrity on the other side is still human too, and immunity isn’t a given once someone reaches a certain level of fame. Mistakes are inevitable—it’s how someone in that situation perceives it, and it’s their choice to forgive the other person or not. And if they do forgive them, why are people so quick to send so much judgment to the person who does the forgiving? Why is it so difficult to understand that there are nuances in a relationship or friendship that are kept in private, because privacy is important for people in the public eye. Happiness is a subjective measure, and can only be understood by the people in the relationship, not those outside of it.
ON REPEAT: eternal sunshine. // ✮✮✮✮✮
Here are some of my favorite parts of this album after listening to it on repeat for the past month.
The transition from Saturn Returns Interlude to eternal sunshine. It gives me all the chills at how seamless it is.
The concept of we can’t be friends (wait for your love). I didn’t feel much of a connection with this song until I watched the music video, and I was a complete fucking mess. I am a memory hoarder—I can’t bear the idea of purposefully choosing to forget people from my life. I envision an invisible string connecting two people together, and once that string are broken, it takes time to heal what once used to be a source of protection, attention, love, or support. While some strings break over time (similar to death as a result of old age), to do so prematurely when these strings are still resilient feels like removal of identity to protect what’s deep inside. I switch between this song and eternal sunshine as my favorite in this album.
The dissonance in the imperfect for you chorus. When I first listened to this song, I did not like the chorus at all. It didn’t settle in my brain in a way that I liked (you know when you listen to someone on American Idol sing very off tune, and it hurts your soul a little bit?). But upon a closer listen, I actually really enjoyed this small detail—the dissonance represents imperfection, more importantly, the feeling of being imperfect for another person. Is anyone ever truly perfect for another person?
The simplicity of ordinary things. This song makes me smile every single time I listen to it. It represents the beauty of a simple and slow life, something that I have always reminded myself to focus on, and to not get tied up in the pesky details. I also see this as a gratitude song, where Ariana expresses her need to just want time with another person, regardless of what they end up doing (We could go pop all the champagne in California / We could have omakase in Tokyo if you wanna / Hypothetically, we (we) could do (do) / Anything that we'd like).
The immediate skip of yes, and? When this song first came out, I hated it. Even after repeated listens, I still hate it. Once the first beat of the instrumental starts playing, I know it’s this song, and no questions asked, the song is skipped. I can’t explain to you why I hate this song so much except for the fact that it’s just so annoying to me.
I did a Quarter 1 review last month where I went through every item I purchased from January through March, and updated, amended, or removed my rules. Now, onto a better and more intentional Quarter 2!
THIS MONTH’S INTENTIONS
I remember telling myself that I was going to purchase zero items this month. I already went overboard in Quarter 1, and if I were to space out my purchases across the year, I should be at the 9 item mark by the end of Quarter 1. The reality? I was at 14. This is how I track my progress totals:
NEW ITEMS PURCHASED THIS MONTH
Brooklyn Charm Necklace ($46.33).
Bumble Beans and I had this Instagram reel saved for the longest time, and we finally decided to make the trip out to Ventura to create our own charm necklaces! We spent around 2 hours there, and my neck was in so much pain by the end of it since I was bent over, trying to find the perfect charm for my necklace. While the charm isn’t shower/water friendly (made of brass, not gold), it’s not as versatile as I’d like it to be. I personally prefer necklaces that I can keep on my neck at all times. At this moment, the necklace is draped over a tumbler that Bumble Beans painted on at Color Me Mine, and I love the way it looks!
SOME REFLECTIONS
I’ve been conflicted with two items from Quarter 1, and have yet to make any changes.
Ear piercing + Star 14K Gold Studs. In the Quarter 1 review, the total spend was $201.68. I sold the studs I was pierced with on Ebay, and got back $72.36. However, I’ve been seeing some emergency room related charges on my insurance claims history. I have yet to pay them, but I am considering adding the ER expenses to this cost. Removing my piercings were a necessity, but I wouldn’t have incurred these costs if I didn’t get my ears pierced to begin with — this is my rationale for adding them to the total cost of this item. I’d love to hear your thoughts though!
Not Perfect Linen Mama Dress. I sold this dress early on, which was such a pleasant surprise. However, I only got back $57.56, and my net loss was $54.04 (cost of item - price the item sold for). I recently sold a NPL item for $36.64 that came with my purchase for free, since this was part of the sitewide anniversary promotion. I’m considering tacking this profit onto this item’s net loss. If I were to do this, the net loss would be $17.40 ($54.04 - $36.64). Is this justified?
Inspired by
! This section contains things I’d like to start incorporating into my routine, things I need to stop doing because they are detrimental to my health or wellness in some sort of way, and things I’d like to keep up with throughout the next month.START setting financial boundaries with friends and examining my grocery receipts, item by item. I am confident that all my friends respect financial boundaries, especially if I were to tell them that I’m on a budget (they all have similar mindsets), so it’s on me to vocalize these intentions more so that I don’t ever find myself spending heaps of money all in one day. I also want to be more cognizant of what I purchase at the grocery store, and really sticking to my list. I tend to get distracted when I’m out, and this can cause my grocery bill to go from $30 to $100 without me realizing until I’m at the register.
STOP sleeping so late. Lately, I’ve been sleeping around midnight, occasionally even later. I’ve been having issues with falling asleep, and I completely used up all my Melatonin this month. While I put in a new order with a lower dosage (2mg to 1mg), I want to shift my sleeping schedule in a way where I’m actually exhausted by the time I plan to sleep, which I would like to aim for it to be around 11PM.
CONTINUE listing items on Ebay/Marketplace to sell. I have a corner in my room that’s dedicated to items I’d like to sell, and another section of my closet for items that have already been listed. The need-to-list items pile is slowly growing, so I need to get on with listing them, otherwise they’re just collecting dust in my room.
Thank you for tuning into another one of my monthly lists! These lists are curated with love and intention, and I hope this was as enjoyable for you as it is for me to write them.
If you got to the bottom of this post, I am so grateful for you. Here’s my weekly virtual hug to you, and I hope to see you back here next week.
—Beans ⋆˙⟡
Where to find me: Instagram | Goodreads | Letterboxd | Notion Templates | Wealthfront
Hudspeth, C. (2024). Baby Reindeer Ending, Explained: A Deep Dive Into the Devastating Finale. Tudum By Netflix. https://www.netflix.com/tudum/articles/baby-reindeer-ending-analysis
Seaman, A. (2023). Here lies Taylor Swift’s ‘reputation’. The Michigan Daily. https://www.michigandaily.com/arts/b-side/here-lies-taylor-swifts-reputation/
Thanks for the mention!! The setting financial boundaries is a great goal! Hopefully it’ll be easier that it’s warmer out now and there’s more free things to do outside!