on losing a childhood best friend
on losing a childhood best friend
sisterhood to enemies, and ways to navigate a broken friendship
One of the most painful emotions I’ve ever experienced was letting go of a friend who used to be my entire world. Fictional books I read throughout middle and high school taught me that heartbreak with a romantic partner would be life-alteringly painful. However, I’ve learned through this experience that heartbreak from a close friendship is hauntingly painful, a resonant dull ache that seems to never go away. This experience taught me that the time it takes to “get over” a loss of a friendship exceeds that of a romantic partner.
I met this girl — let’s call her Lauren for ease of writing (it isn’t her actual name) — in the first grade. I was the type of girl, at the age of 7, to seek solace in finding that best friend. I didn’t need many; I just needed the one. Lauren and I clicked when we first saw each other. I first saw her in class, wearing pigtails, a white shirt, and straight-legged jeans, while I was adorned in the usual Hello Kitty hand-me-down sweatpants and a butterfly print long-sleeve. We spent the entirety of first grade writing notes to each other, and the rest of second grade going on playdates.
The first trip we ever went on together was to Mammoth, California during winter break of third grade, where we learned how to ski for the first time. Zipping down the mountain, we could scream loudly as we zig-zagged from left to right, occasionally speeding down when the slope seemed a tad less steep, jumping at the peaks of hills. Over the course of our elementary and middle school experience, going to Mammoth over winter break became a routine for our families. A significant chunk of my childhood’s core memories1 included renting a cabin near the ski resort, drinking hot cocoa and eating homemade sandwiches (because our frugal parents refused to buy food at the lodge), and spending our nights huddled by the fireplace as we played board games or the Wii.
In high school, we found 5 other girls and became a “group”. Lauren and I stuck together despite being a part of the group. We knew each other much more deeply than anyone else, and I knew I could trust her with my entire heart.
The point in time when our friendship began to experience cracks in trust and accountability was after three months of sharing a room together during undergrad. We got accepted into the same university, and ultimately wanted to live together naturally, as we knew it would be like over years and years of living in cabins and hotels during family vacations. We never heeded other people’s advice, to “never room with your best friend”. Lauren and me? We were going to be best friends for life, and rooming won’t change that.