my personal guide to financial etiquette

because my salary is none of your business, stacy

The promenade, Joseph Caraude, 1874

This is for the people who weren’t taught financial etiquette by their caregivers or parents. I’ve met a number of people with extremely poor financial etiquette, and it’s caused a lot of tension in my existing friendship with them, or the desire to want to be friends with them. Ultimately, here are my personal set of rules that I follow to respect other people’s financial boundaries, and in doing so, hope that I could lead by example.

on a date, both people should attempt to pay for the bill

People get really weird about this. Some are “all men should pay the bill”, some are “it should be split equally”, but what if there’s no man? What if there isn’t a masculine dominant figure between two people on a date? Then what?

The basic rule of thumb that any two people can follow is to always offer to split. It’s safe and respectful. If the other person insists on paying after you offer, then let them. But never go without offering. The gender wage gap does exist, and you might pose this argument if you identify as a woman and are heterosexual — but it’s just common courtesy to at least try to pay.

never ask someone for their salary

If they want to tell you how much they make, then they’ll tell you. Usually, the people who ask are the people trying to gauge how they fare compared to you. It’s not your business to know how much someone makes, especially if money is a sensitive topic for them.

If you’re that desperate for this information, you can always resort to Glassdoor for a salary range.

never ask to split the bill equally, especially if some dishes cost more than others. this is only appropriate at buffets or all you can eat restaurants where each person is charged the same amount.

The number of times I’ve seen and heard people do this is ridiculous. It takes advantage of the vegetarians/vegans and sober people whose order totals are significantly less than others at the table.

pay people back in timely manner, preferably within a day

You never know what someone’s true financial situation looks like unless they go through their monthly spending with you (huge props to you if you have those types of relationships with people). But if you don’t, a $5 Venmo request could be as meaningful as paying back your $500 share for an Airbnb. Don’t discount the little charges — it’s not that hard to pay someone back.

don’t ask people for money

Unless you plan on paying that person back within the next 3 days (maximum: 1 week), then don’t do it. It creates a lot of tension if you get stuck in a situation where you aren’t able to pay them back, and it might cause you to lose that relationship in the end.

never call someone out on privilege they have no control over

Just because someone’s parents are rich, don’t expect them to also be. I added this rule here from personal experience. I worked as a waiter at a sandwich shop, and during my time there, a coworker who I considered a friend began making every comment about the neighborhood I grew up in — it felt deeply uncomfortable, since I knew that despite my parents being able to pay for my tuition (I’ve never had student loans) and rent, I still worked minimum wage at a sandwich shop and paid for my non-essentials using the money I earned. A similar situation happened a few years later with another friend who would frequently comment on my spending habits in a “you’re so privileged and you don’t even know it” type way.

Weirdly enough, I feel like this narrative has pushed me in the direction of wanting to do more public good with my field of work, rather than do something for the sake of making money. I wanted to get rid of this “she’s so privileged, she doesn’t understand our struggle” mindset that other people had about me, and with doing so, I’ve learned to make do with a 5 figure salary, embracing underconsumption and minimalism for the past 5 years.

always cover the birthday person’s meal if you’re out with them on their birthday

Exceptions: If the birthday person planned it and the cost of such activity or meal is out of your budget.

it’s not rude to say no when people ask to borrow money from you

Regardless of if they’re your family member, parent, or sibling, simply put, it is not rude to say no. Guilt will be associated with rejecting them, and they might lash out at you, but if you are not in a state to freely give money away to people, then simply put, you can’t lend other people money.

always cover the bill when you’re out with your younger siblings or cousins

Especially if your younger family members aren’t TikTok multimillionaires, make sure you’re covering the dinner bill, buying their movie tickets, and so on. There is no reason for them to try to pay for their food with their parent’s money when you have a job and can treat them to something nice.

I made sure to put younger family members instead of people who work for you or your mentees, because I don’t think it is always necessary, in a professional setting, to cover your employee’s meals. It’s nice, but I don’t think it’s a part of financial etiquette that makes an employer/mentor rude or not if they’re not covering these outings.

I will say — if you are in the employer/mentor role, I do encourage you to foot the bill the first time you invite them to get a meal or coffee.

That’s it for now! I’m sure there are other rules of etiquette that I follow, and perhaps I’ll compile them as they come to me in part 2 of this series.

Until next time,

—Beans