a guide to personal etiquette
a guide to personal etiquette
inspired by my parents and cultural upbringing as an asian american woman
I enjoyed
and ’s collaboration Substack article, Cake for Lunch: A Modern-Day Etiquette Guide, and I knew I had to write my own version of it considering I grew up Asian American and was raised by Asian immigrant parents. Truth to be told, I think there is a general sense of etiquette that is accepted and expected across all generations and cultures. However, I thought I would shine light on some etiquette rules that are specific to the Asian culture, or simply things I personally do that I do not see a lot of people do because the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude is all the rage these days, especially with the setting of boundaries and therapy-speak.I posted the finance version of this etiquette guide here—be sure to give it a read if you are interested in my thoughts on what financial boundaries you should set and respect.
With that being said, here is my guide to personal etiquette.
bring fruit when meeting elders
Fruit is typically one of those gifts that you can give people and they will likely be happy (unless they are allergic, so ask to make sure). Bonus points if you gift them guava, persimmon, dragonfruit, mangosteen, sapodilla, passionfruit, rambutan, cut up durian/jackfruit — fruits that are a little more special than the average apple, you know? Asian supermarkets are the best when it comes to these types. The more unique the fruit, the more respect you will earn from your friend’s Asian immigrant mother.
Throughout September/October, mooncakes are the best gifts to give. Companies these days are creating innovative fillings (e.g., matcha, chocolate), but stick to the most traditional (e.g., red bean paste, salted duck egg, white lotus paste, mixed nuts), as parents who grew up eating mooncakes will probably enjoy what they are most used to more than flavors that we, the younger generation, have the tastebuds for.
cover up for the aunties
Older adults, especially your parents or your friends’, don’t need to see all of that. Avoid exposing your navel, chest, or thigh if possible. And if not, bring a cover-up or an alternate outfit if you have other plans later.
This is especially true when going to family gatherings, children’s recitals, meeting your significant other’s parents, or attending a professional work event. There is a time and place for wearing a revealing outfit, but it’s never one around Asian adults, especially immigrant adults.
never assume what someone’s shoe-rule is in their home. either use context clues or take those shoes off
The worst thing anyone could do coming inside my apartment is assume that it is a shoes on household and stomp all over my kitchen in their dirty sneakers. It is a privilege to be invited into someone’s home, so the least you could do is ask before entering. It is usually a no brainer to take off your shoes if you see people in the house without outside shoes on (house slippers are very common in Asian culture).
A tip for those who feel the ick walking around barefoot or in socks — bring your household slippers (clean them beforehand!) with you. Or those washable shoe covers if you want something more compact. Despite the inconvenience, it is more important to respect the home that you are walking inside over your personal icks (and this is coming from someone with germaphobia who has a lot of icks). I hate walking around barefoot in someone’s home so if I wear shoes that do not require socks, I will remember to bring a pair of socks in my bag to put on when I enter a friend’s home.
and referenced this NYT article, The Everything Guide to Partying, and I was flabbergasted to see one of the tips as, “Please don’t ask people to take off their shoes when entering your apartment. It’s rude.” This might be a norm in non-Asian cultures, but this statement rubs me the wrong way because shouldn’t the person who hosts the party dictate the rules for their guests? If a guest is pro-shoes on in the house and the host is anti-shoes inside, then shouldn’t that guest just not attend the party? Why is the host to blame for being rude, for requesting shoes off when they’re the ones who will have to clean all the smudge marks once the guests leave? It is similar to getting rejected from a fine dining establishment because you’re dressed in a loose t-shirt and shorts. Why is that the norm, and a host assigning rules for their own home not? This level of entitlement has me bewildered.not everyone is a hugger
I welcome hugs from all walks of life, but I know my parents are anti-hugs, especially from people they first meet or aren’t familiar with. If you are not sure if someone is pro-hug or not, greeting with a smile and a wave is more than enough. Also, saying no to a hug if you are not comfortable with them isn’t rude! You could always give the excuse of “I am recently recovering from a cold” since germs easily scare people off, or simply tell them the truth.
learn how to use chopsticks
It is not a big deal if you ask for a spoon/fork, but it shows that you’ve put in the effort to learn how to use chopsticks and is always impressive! I always expect a non-disabled Asian person to know how to use chopsticks, but for those who are non-Asian, all it takes is a YouTube video and some practice at home to figure it out. If my 10-year old self can do it, you most definitely can.
An exception here is if you have a disability that makes it difficult to use chopsticks.
pour tea for elders first before pouring your own
At dim sum, never pour tea for yourself first. Always pour others, and start with the oldest person at the table before pouring your own. This not only goes for people who are generally old (upwards of 40 years), but also when you go out with your colleagues and friends. It is important to respect this tradition if you are at a restaurant. If you get takeout, then it doesn’t really matter.
keep your phone in your pocket or leave your phone face down
This has been my personal pet peeve growing up, so I thought it was a me problem when I felt this surge of annoyance every time I had to repeat myself because the person I was talking to got distracted by a notification about something non-urgent.
If you are expecting a call or message that is important, then when the first notification pops up, gently interrupt the conversation by saying, “I am so sorry, (explain the situation)”. If I hear this, then by all means take as many calls and look at your phone as often as you need to. I get the urgency when something is at stake, such as someone else’s safety or health.
Otherwise, keep your phone on Do Not Disturb, leave it in your bag or pocket, or put it face down on the table.
always ask for food preferences
Burmese culture is not widely known in the U.S., but it is getting there slowly. I remember my parents would always ask me before having my friends over if they were okay with eating their Burmese food. I usually ask the friend I am inviting over whether they are okay with a certain dish that I will bring up on my phone—if they are not comfortable, then I would suggest going elsewhere to eat.
If you are planning a meal to cook or go to a restaurant with other people, make sure you know what they like and that you give the agency to pick from a list of options. My strategy is to ask them what they are craving, and they’ll usually narrow the list down to a few cuisines or types of food. From there, I’ll find my favorite restaurants or top rated places on Yelp and send 3-5 links for them to choose.
As someone who’s been vegan for eight years, I have grown accustomed to people not asking beforehand what my dietary restrictions are or the types of food I like. I try to minimize my maintenance, because at times, the guys just want fast food and I’m not trying to yuck their yum. However, it does feel comforting to be surrounded by people who look out for me and put in the effort to ask what I need, find restaurants with vegan options, and give me suggestions to choose from. Therefore, if I am not familiar with the person I’m going out to get food with, I’ll ask if they have any dietary restrictions and the type of food they’re craving or prefer to eat.
OH! And most importantly, if someone else is visiting you, you are responsible for giving them a list of food options after asking them about their restrictions and preferences (unless they specifically tell you they want to eat at a specific place). If you are visiting a friend in an area you’re unfamiliar with, they should be responsible.
do not assume someone’s ethnicity or race before confirming it with them
I mentioned this in my AANHPI guide (which if you have not read yet, is probably the most important article I have written on this blog so far so please check it out) on what not to say to an Asian person. This also generally applies to other races/ethnicities. If you want to know where they’re “really” from, then just ask what race or ethnicity they identify as. It is not offensive—if anything, it is a much more direct and appropriate way to get the answer you want. And if they do not want to give you a response, don’t push it.
The only instance when I am okay with people saying I look Korean, or Japanese, or any other Asian ethnicity is if that person is Asian.
gracefully accept a compliment instead of returning it with another compliment
I actually am quite terrible at this, but learning how to accept a compliment is more respectful than deflecting with an inauthentic one. The number of times I’ve complimented someone’s pajamas after they complimented a new dress I was wearing is…embarrassing.
ask how to pronounce someone’s name if you are unsure
My last name is difficult to pronounce, so it is nice when people ask me if their pronounciation is correct. While it is not usually a big deal, during graduation, despite writing the pronounciation guide underneath my name card, the announcer still said my last name wrong. We need to do better!
If you think you know how to pronounce someone’s name, it never hurts to say, “Did I pronounce your first/last name correctly?” after the attempt. When someone gets my last name correctly and they ask me, it makes me feel very seen!
do not correct people’s mispronounciations or grammar
You are only allowed to be the grammar police if you are close with someone and you know they will take it as a joke. If you are barely friends or meeting someone for the first time, let them say “more better” or in conversation, use the wrong spelling of “they’re” without being scrutinized. It is not that serious! Until you get to a point of comfortability, you can roast them jokingly (like what Mr. Beans does to me all the time).
do not trauma dump upon meeting someone new
I remember priding myself on being an “open book” throughout undergrad. I shared my deepest, darkest secrets with people, talked about my childhood trauma, and established bonds through vulnerability. Even though this had me surrounded by a lot of people, I later realized that I didn’t want some of those people in my life anymore. To not be friends with them would also indicate that they knew something intimate about me that they could possibily tell someone else. My carelessness of sharing every detail to people at parties, friends of friends I just met, or men I’ve dated has burned me, time and time again.
So what do I do now? I keep the conversation light. If it gets into trauma territory, I try to generalize my experience instead of going into detail. I now protect my own privacy first, before attempting to connect with another person through the means of some unfortunate experience that happened to me 15 years ago.
I, at times, am on the receiving end of this trauma dumping from strangers I do not really know, and it’s not always fun. I have stopped being nosy, always wanting to know about people’s lives after I left a friend group who valued gossip over anything else.
Talking about vulnerable topics should be normalized, but also privatized to your close circles. The people you keep close to you should be people you feel comfortable with sharing your innermost, controversial thoughts to. And for those outside of those circles, perhaps think twice before divulging, because there may be unintended consequences.
Thank you for reading, and see you in the next newsletter!
—Beans ✧.*