my boyfriend and i went on a break
and now, we're stronger than ever
Thank you for your patience with this post! I know it’s been long awaited, as Mr. Beans and I officially got back together in May 2024 and it’s already 2025. I’ve answered 10 of the 28 questions in my second report card, so I will not be repeating answers for those. Without further ado, let’s get into it.
Why did you go on a break?
Beans:
Our relationship was marked by “Year 1” and “Year 2” events that inevitably led to the break. Year 1 was the honeymoon, teeming with infatuation and slight ignorance. In doing so, our conflicts were bandaged with affection. We never took the time to resolve these issues, because we hated conflict. We thought that conflict for a long period of time would cause us to build resentment and break-up, which was why we tried to resolve each fight as soon as possible even if it meant refusing to talk about what caused the conflict. Codependency grew at an unhealthy rate.
Year 2 was marked by Mr. Beans moving to Northern California, after I graduated from Boston (he lived in Massachusetts). I moved back home to Southern California and we did long distance for about a year. We fought an insurmountable amount, and I lacked the coping skills to deal with our fights. My past relationships were imbued with men who either emotionally/physically cheated on me, or had many female friends who they were previously intimate with — all of which I normalized in my current relationship. This was one of the reasons that drove our relationship apart.
In the latter half of Year 2, Mr. Beans got a job in Southern California, and we decided to move in together. Though this was happy and exciting news for us both, our prior issues began to resurface upon spending so much time with each other — ultimately causing us to reach a breaking point. After getting into the worst argument of our relationship in January 2024, Mr. Beans broke up with me. I later convinced him to go on a break instead. The reason being, there were so many parts of our relationship that were tethered, but strained. Every argument we had prior to this break was forgotten, never resolved. We bandaged each bad emotion with cuddles and warmth, but the memory of our cuts were never forgotten, just hidden deep in our subconscious. Every time we’d get into another argument, these cuts would get deeper, more painful, and harder to patch up. January’s argument was the one that broke the camel’s back. We couldn’t find it in ourselves to paste smiles back on our faces, tell each other that we forgave each other, and move on with our lives. A deeper change, we both realized, needed to be made.
Mr. Beans:
Much of how I felt around the break had been built up over the course of three years. Even at that point, it felt like I wasn't aware of a healthy way of processing how I felt and just felt more comfortable with a break-up.
I felt suffocated in the relationship at some points, and after visiting extended family, realized how much I had changed (for the worse) in the span of the relationship. It wasn't something that I was particularly happy about, and felt that the easiest thing to do was to end things.
I felt like I wasn't remotely myself, closed off, detached from my friends and family, and desperate to find people to reach out to. This was in stark contrast to [beans]'s emotions, because she wanted me to spend as much time with her as possible then. This got tough because it was my first time being away from everything, moving to a new state / new coast, leaving behind much of my life. I had wanted the space to explore my new life living apart from family, but there wasn't that space to do that in the relationship.
The cycle of (1) wanting to spend time finding friends, (2) disappointing [Beans] for not spending time with her, (3) resenting her and the relationship, (4) [Beans] realizing I was feeling isolated and sacrificing some of the time she wanted to spend with me (repeated), (5) [Beans] coping by messaging guy “friends” she had history with, (6) my frustration after eventually finding out about it, (7) arguments, and repeat, built over time.
I made a good friend while living up in the San Jose area, but I felt pressured to move closer to where [Beans] lived because her parents didn't feel comfortable with her coming to visit me for extended periods of time. Eventually, I caved and moved down after finding a new job (after about a year at my company).
The constant moving, the (maybe toxic from my perspective) dynamics of our relationship, slowly growing introversion and inability to connect with people, led to a lot of disagreements, and ultimately my suggestion to break-up.
Why a break over a break-up?
Beans:
For context, this was our first ever “healthy” relationship. Healthy in the socio-normative sense, where we wanted to pursue a relationship to stay in each other’s lives forever. Because I was the one who got broken up with, I desperately wanted to do something to stay in his life. Mr. Beans will likely have a better answer for this.
Mr. Beans:
I hadn't really considered going on a break to work through our problems because it seemed so insurmountable that I thought at that point that giving up was easier than continuing.
After some convincing, I realized that my reasons to break up weren't justifiable especially if I hadn’t given [Beans] a chance to try to amend things for our relationship. And it wasn't completely her fault either; I had my fair share of things to work on.
But there's a key element: we had to do it alone independently. Believe me, it's tough to live in the same apartment with someone you're on a break with, with the urge to just apologize because you want to come back together, but realizing that you need to distance yourself from that part of the relationship, and work on yourself. Independent in mind, but together in person. It's not an easy dynamic. But it was a challenge that I had never taken part in for my previous relationships. Relationships before were "if things aren't working out, then you split up". There was no effort to try for the other person. But despite all the problems, I still loved [Beans]. I wanted to challenge myself for the good of our future and my own psyche. I thought back then "if it doesn't work, it's okay at least I tried".
It's definitely much easier to justify a break-up when you don't have as many strings attached, especially after how much had been built between us over two and a half years (at that point).
Questions answered in this report card:
Did attachment styles contribute to the break?
Was the decision to go on a break mutual?
Did you plan to get back together eventually?
Beans:
To an extent, yes. We took this break as our last chance to get our metaphorical shit together to get to a place where we could be healthy for each other. However, if we both got to a point where we wanted to pursue other options, then we would have had to respect each other’s wishes. In hindsight, I’m grateful we were on the same page. It would’ve still been heartbreaking if we weren’t.
Mr. Beans:
That was the goal. We said "let's give it until the end of our lease, and if we can make things work, then it's good. If it doesn't work out, then we could just end the lease, and go our separate ways." Regardless, the goal was to be better versions of ourselves, with the intention of getting back together as stronger people, individually first and then together. My hope was that this would remove our codependencies and help us mature into the adults we were supposed to be.
Describe the stages you went through.
Beans:
The first, the most obvious one, was heartbreak. Despite knowing that I’d have another chance with him in the future, it still hurt to say that we were taking a break, and we were now doing our own individuals things despite living together.
The second was acceptance. Realizing that this break isn’t a temporary one-week thing, and we’re actually doing it. It’s an interesting out-of-body experience to realize that you’re in this odd limbo, grey-area situation with another person you have feelings for.
The third stage, friendship. We never truly established a friendship when we first started dating. I took the time to reflect on the ways I treated my guy friends in the past, and transfer those behaviors to Mr. Beans. Our banter was still playful but more “bro”-ey, our boundaries were more firmly set, and we were not allowed to have expectations of each other beyond that of a friendship.
Lastly, re-building a romantic relationship. Interestingly enough, it did take time to re-learn how to be romantic with each other, as going on a break rewired something in my brain that made it feel like I was dating him for the first time again.
Mr. Beans:
For me I had three goals: (1) find new friends in the area, (2) return to a lot of the things I used to do, and (3) try therapy more concretely
(1) was tough because finding friends at this age, especially for an introverted person, isn't as easy as going to college and starting over. Starting over before was going to a new middle school, high school, or college. A professional setting also isn't the best environment to make friends, at least for a while or unless you get the feeling that they're open to becoming friends.
(2) was easier for me because it felt more like a bucket list of things that made me comfortable. Whether it be hobbies or books I enjoyed reading, I wanted to get back to the things I used to do before the pressure of my work got too much.
(3) would be another challenge, since therapy was a new concept for me. Although [Beans] had told me about how much therapy had helped her, I didn't trust the process enough to let someone else new into my life. There was too much about me that I didn't really knew was even there until I started therapy. Whether it be repressed memories, things I chose to give up on earlier, or just behaviors I didn't recognize, I wanted an external unbiased perspective to help me better navigate my personal life and my prior relationships. This wasn't an easy task, but I knew I had to grow as a person and take on things I didn't necessarily want to do.
What was the most difficult part of the break?
Beans:
Transforming the second bedroom from an office space to his bedroom, and sleeping separately. Having that sort of distance in a space that used to be shared hurt a lot at first. I cried myself to sleep for the first two weeks.
Mr. Beans:
Living with [Beans] in the "purgatory" stage of our relationship. Having those moments where I missed her and wanted to come back to the relationship, but realizing how foolish that'd be for our growth in the long run.
What did you do to work on yourself and what did you learn?
Beans:
I gained a number of hobbies during this process. My biggest problem in the relationship was my codependency issue. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to spend every waking moment together with him, but whenever he would try to spend alone time in pursuit of his hobbies, I’d get aggravated. Prior to the break, I would always choose my empty pockets of time to prioritize spending with Mr. Beans, and hated that he didn’t do the same for me. I had to learn that even though we have free time on our ends, we shouldn’t be spending every second of it together. We should be exploring our interests and actively pursuing them. Doing every single little thing together used to be my “ideal” relationship, but because that type of relationship was suffocating for Mr. Beans, he began to distance himself from me. I had to ensure that I was honoring myself and my interests by taking the time to engage in them. This also meant declining Mr. Beans’ invitations to hang out because I wanted to finish reading my book or writing up a Substack piece.
Mr. Beans:
Already described a bit above, but:
General insecurity (and maybe a bit of confidence)
Making time for hobbies, and
Learning to re-prioritize my relationship and understand why I felt the way that I was, to communicate it to [Beans] much earlier than I did prior to our break
What conversations were integral to getting back together?
Beans:
Monthly check-ins were important. We tracked our conversations on Notion, at least for the first two meetings (the last few were done verbally without formal documentation). This included:
Main topics to discuss
My progress
His progress
Notes on issues we had in the relationship
Notes on growth
Mr. Beans:
As I mentioned, why I was feeling the way that I was, and talking about compromises that we were willing to make for each other to work.
How did you know the duration of the break was good enough?
Beans:
We just felt ready. We got to a point where we started acting like we were in a relationship. I don’t think that hit us immediately, because it was a gradual transition from being in a break → friends → introducing romance → feeling like we were dating again. We were actually ready to get back together before our original anniversary date, but “delayed” it so that it stayed consistent.
Mr. Beans:
If either of us knew that we were ready, it was up to the other person to feel ready as well. There was no pressure from either of us to speed up the process; it was a matter of both being ready and feeling ready to return to the relationship.
Did either of you pursue therapy (individual/couples)?
Beans:
We both did. I’ve been in therapy for around five years, so continuing it wasn’t a big deal to me. For Mr. Beans, this would’ve been the first time he’s taken it seriously, and I think it helped for a bit. He stopped after a few sessions due to scheduling issues — not ideal, but we made it work.
Mr. Beans:
We didn't pursue couples therapy, but I started individual therapy. I ended up going for 10 sessions, and felt that I had reached a point where I was comfortable stopping temporarily.
Questions answered in this report card:
Did you miss each other, especially the physical intimacy?
How did you maintain patience and navigate the friendship?
What were your boundaries/rules, considering that you still lived together?
Did you face any challenges when reconciling?
Beans:
When we officially got back together, we had no issues, mainly because we were already feeling ready a few weeks prior. We just stretched out our official date to align with our original dating anniversary.
Mr. Beans:
No challenges, since we had grown as friends during this time. I felt comfortable bringing things up with her.
What has changed?
Beans:
The way we give each other space to breathe and do what we want. He became willing to open his heart up to me again and trust me wholeheartedly, while I pursued my own hobbies to avoid becoming overly dependent on him.
Mr. Beans:
We've both learned to do things independently, together (if that makes any sense).
How did you guys come to this decision?
Beans:
I think you just know when it’s time. It’s a feeling of having truly learned what went wrong. Looking back at the relationship through 20/20 vision, instead of having it clouded by your own guilt (if you were the perpetrator) or anger (if you were the victim). Understanding that the both of us are human and make mistakes, but also at the same time have the capacity to change for the better, became evident in the ways we became better people. I had less frustration when he wanted to spend time with his friends — even on days when he’d come home and game all night. If there were periods of time when it felt excessive, I learned how to communicate my needs to him. It’s not like I let him do whatever he wants, but we now have a dynamic where he knows he has the choice to game and/or watch a movie with me. When Mr. Beans felt like he truly had that agency, I think it made him feel ready to come back to the relationship.
Mr. Beans:
We had to both feel ready individually, and feel like it was right to come back together
Was there a point where you felt like it was too early to get back together?
Beans:
I think there were two points in time when we each wanted to get back together and it didn’t feel right at both points. It never feels good to be rejected, and being told no hurt for a bit. However, I knew that our relationship would not flourish if we weren’t on the same page.
Mr. Beans:
Many times, almost always the pain of longing, the desperation of knowing that I wasn't ready to come back, like I was incomplete. This is something that therapy helped with: unlearning the behavior that I need to be 100% ready before the next challenge.
How do you know you won't break up again? / How will you ensure that this new relationship is stable and safe?
Beans:
We won’t know, but we have the emotion regulation and communication skills to prevent us from getting there. Will it be foolproof? For maybe 99.9% of situations, but there’s always a 0.01% chance that it won’t. Regardless, we have been through so much emotionally, and we can only strive to be the best versions of ourselves for each other. Truthfully, I don’t think there is any relationship where you can be 100% sure, unless you’re 20 years into a marriage.
Mr. Beans:
The point that I feel like I'm at right now with [beans] is solid: our foundation feels much stronger than it used to be, we're communicating more, but understanding just as much if not more. The problem is that life is so uncertain and unpredictable that when I think of events from that perspective, I can't predict factors that are out of my power. To answer the question, I guess I don't know for certain. Does this mean I'm scared of where I am now? Absolutely not. It means that we've learned a new way of resolving issues with each other that simple talks can't fix: the break. It sounds intuitive and silly, but sometimes you just need your time and space away from someone to really evaluate what your needs are and how resolute you are about it, but with the goal of wanting to make things work out. Saying "it's just a matter of compromising" isn't as simple as it seems on the surface; you have to put in the work to understand what you need for yourself while wanting the relationship to work. And if you don't want the relationship to work in the long run, that's okay too; but you need to tell yourself that and come to terms with it. For me, I know what I want now, and I'm slowly getting better at putting in the work to do so.
Questions answered in this report card:
Does Mr. Beans respect your boundaries?
What are three things you're happiest about now that you guys are back together?
Did you make a potential timeline of the break and what you both wanted to get out of it?
Beans:
No. A timeline would’ve made our growth inorganic. We did explicitly state issues that we had with each other, and discussed how we were going to change. Some things were easier than others — for example, he wanted me to spend more time with my family (easy), but he also wanted me to become less irate upon rejection (difficult). For him, I wanted him to be more appreciative of what other people did for him (difficult) and budget for a new therapist (easyish — just more concrete and measurable).
Mr. Beans:
Already answered above :)
What have you guys decided are now your priorities and/or non-negotiables?
Beans:
Now that it’s been over a year since our break, our priorities and non-negotiables have shifted. However, there are things that are agreed upon without explicitly stating them. Mr. Beans is now taking a graduate-level course outside of his 9-5, so he’s stopped playing games and has been studying more, which also allows me to be within his presence without having to actively talk or engage with him. That’s the type of quality time that I appreciate, since there are a ton of books on my Goodreads TBR that I’ve been meaning to check off. We have a lot of micro-rules that we both just know to respect each other for. There aren’t any unique non-negotiables besides the usual — no cheating/lying.
Mr. Beans:
For me, it was my education and occasionally reaching out to friends. I study a lot outside of work, and it digs into my personal life; I'm probably making myself out to sound lame, but I really just want time to read my engineering books and study. The main non-negotiable is health, mental and physical. We both give each other space when we need it, as well as pushing each other to be physically active, eat healthy, and maintain connections with people. It wasn't perfect at first, but we took our time and got better and learned.
Questions answered in this report card:
Do you feel like you deserve better rather than someone who was unsure of you?
What's your advice on rebuilding trust with each other again?
Beans:
There are many ways to rebuild trust with each other, but there are a few that worked well for us. The first being, sharing our phone passwords with each other. If your relationship suffered from any form of infidelity, this is an absolute must, and the person who was affected by their partner’s unfaithful actions should have say in how often they’d like to access messages/photos/etc. While our relationship problems weren’t bred from infidelity, Mr. Beans having access to my phone was a necessity to help him garner trust. Now, he rarely goes on my phone unless I ask him to do something on it, because he has no need to snoop. He trusts me wholeheartedly. He still knows my passwords to my laptop and phone, but I know that he won’t be logging on behind my back. Some other ways include: sharing your full album on Google Photos, sharing locations on Find My Friends. If your relationship suffered from trust issues unrelated to infidelity, then showing change through your actions is critical. For example, whenever Mr. Beans would want to play games, I would show that he could trust me by not lashing out in anger and engaging in my own hobbies without any concern for what he’s doing.
Mr. Beans:
If you're the one losing your trust in someone:
It's okay to be guarded, nobody blames you for feeling that way
Let your significant other prove themselves over time
Understand if you're okay with your partner breaking your trust in the future; set ground rules for your partner and yourself in the case something happens again.
If you're the one causing someone to lose their trust in you:
Figure out the cause of why it's happening
Have a contingency plan for when you feel like you'll do something to make them lose their trust in you. Don't just be a better person for your partner; be a better person for yourself.
If you plan on continuing down the path of breaking their trust, then figure out if you're okay with that and if that's really what's best for your partner
Any advice for others who are in a similar relationship dynamic as your past one?
Beans:
If you’re considering going on a break, do it. Truth to be told, Mr. Beans and I should’ve gone on one earlier, because we would have had less unpleasant experiences. Also, do not listen to people who say that once you go on a break, it’s game over. It’s not! You have to establish rules and boundaries for each other when you go on one. Most of the time, breaks don’t work if there is a lack of communication. The most obvious one would be to not see other people while on a break — and I know this would get a lot of people in trouble. If you’re actually serious about the relationship and need a break to reset, why are you considering dating someone else? You should be focusing on yourself, and only yourself, before venturing back into the dating world — which by then, you should be giving your partner a try again to see if you are compatible at a stage where you’ve both grown.
Mr. Beans:
Learn from the past so that you're not doomed to make the same mistakes
Not really advice: [Beans] and I say "I love you" to each other right before we head out of the apartment or leave each others' presence. At first it was that cutesy cringe phase all couples go through, but we kept it going even after we moved past our "honeymoon" phase. I don't think I ever even told [beans] this, but I kept with it because you really never know what's the last thing you'll ever say to your significant other right before you walk away.
Questions answered in this report card:
What kind of dates do you recommend for quality time?
This is the most vulnerable post I’ve published without a paywall, so please be respectful if you decide to leave a comment. To those who are considering going on a break, I hope this was helpful. Sending you all the love and support. As always, my DMs are open if you want someone to talk to.
Love this interview-style post! I learned a bunch!
so good and i definitely learnt a lot, makes me want to read the other parts <3