intentional gift giving 101
because finding the perfect gift is a lost art that we need to bring back
It’s Black Friday season, so let’s have a quick chat about intentional gift giving.
If you’re not buying anything for yourself in the upcoming week (ha, can’t relate — upcoming post on everything I purchased from BF soon!), then you might be buying gifts for friends and family. With all the gift guides that you see floating around on social media (some helpful/wonderful, some filled with useless junk), I thought I’d share some ways that you could go about intentionally buying and/or giving gifts to your loved ones.
Step-By-Step Guide
Calculate how much you are able to spend (comfortably) on gifts. Evaluate your current financial situation. Are you dealing with piles of debt? Are you in your financially stable era and are able to have a 70%+ savings rate? How does money feel when you spend it? Do you get overly anxious? Are you ever worried that you aren’t able to afford bills?
If you find that you need to behave more conservatively with finances due to your financial situation, then you might not be able to budget for gifts. Don’t worry — most people, during periods of their lives, have also experienced financial strain and anxiety when thinking about finances, and it is okay to not spend any money during this season. If you’re concerned about what people have to say about this, remember that those who react unpleasantly are showing signs of their excessive need for external validation through gifts and driven by underlying issues related to feeling under-valued or under-appreciated in their close relationships. It’s not you, it’s them. Encourage them to seek therapy, and move onto the next section of this newsletter, “The Perfect Gift”.
If you do have the budget to spend on gifts, move onto the next step.
Make a list of everyone you would like to give a gift to. This also includes all the potential obligations, since I know that some families have an expectation for people with jobs to give gifts to those younger than them.
Divide the list into people Group 1 — people you actually, genuinely, from the bottom of your heart, want to give a gift to, and Group 2 — people you feel obligated to gift to due to external factors (e.g., family, social pressures, etc.). For those in Group 2, ask family members or friends if they’re willing to split the cost of a gift, do a Secret Santa-type gift exchange, or if they’re okay with you chipping in for a gift they’re planning on giving anyway. I remember my aunt used to be a big gift giver, and all her brothers (including my dad) pitched in money so they didn’t have to do the work of buying individual gifts for each and every one of their nephews, nieces, and grandsons/daughters.
For those in Group 1, create a list of items that you’d like to give them. I track mine in this Wishlist Tracker on Notion. This is a brain dump of everything that they might like — you will not be buying every single item on this list. Keep in mind that having a smaller Group 1 will allow you to spend more money on each person. Make sure that you are intentional in choosing who to spend on. For me, it’s only Mr. Beans and my parents, since my friends and I aren’t gift givers during the holiday season.
If you have a lot of people on your Group 1 list who know each other well, propose a Secret Santa so that there is more flexibility in a more meaningful gift (e.g., more money dedicated to one person rather than being split across multiple people). While high cost doesn’t necessarily mean “better” or “higher quality”, buying an item for everyone in a group does place restrictions on the choices you have. In high school, my girl friends and I did Secret Santa and put all of our wishlist items in a shared Google document. We commented on each other’s wishlists (using different colored fonts and colors) and poked fun at some of the silly things we wanted. However, a wishlist isn’t necessary if everyone in your friend group is confident in knowing what each person would actually use.
Revise, review, and perfect your gift list. This process is the most difficult. The section below, The “Perfect” Gift, will outline how to curate perfect gifts for each person. You want to ensure that the chance of the person returning this product, regifting it to someone else, or having it collect dust in their attic is close to 0%.
The “Perfect” Gift
These rules apply for gift giving to people in both Groups 1 and 2. Even though those in Group 1 are people you know the best, some people, regardless of how well you know them, are very difficult to give gifts for — whether it is because they truly have everything in the world (comes with extreme/generational wealth), are extremely picky with the items they receive, or only own expensive items that are beyond your budget. But trust me — there is always a perfect gift for everyone.
General tips
Keep a running list in your Notes app with items they mention needing (not wanting) haven’t purchased it for some reason (e.g., lack of time, energy, money). Being observant is key here, because it may happen subtlely. My mom will never outright express needing a new work tote, but there are dark stains on it, papers are stuffed to the brim, and no zipper to prevent items from constantly falling out.
Selectively upgrade what they currently own, especially if it’s falling to pieces. If you see any tears, holes, cracks, or performance-affecting scratches or dents, then it helping them replace that item with something newer and better could significantly improve the way they use that item. (I commonly see my friends with cracked phone screens and phone cases, so getting them a new case or giving them a voucher to get their phone screen repaired would be a great gift).
Ask them for their thoughts on an item. It might ruin the surprise, but there are ways to get around this. For example, position the question so that you’re getting it for yourself, and ask them what their thoughts are on it. An example conversation: “What are your thoughts on this fanny pack? Do you think it would be useful? What color do you like the most?”
Utilize your skills and create something they’ve previously expressed excitement about or need. Common examples include drawing/painting and framing it, cooking a multi-course meal, taking their photographs for their LinkedIn headshot, or writing a poem/song dedicated to them.
Last but not least, the most failproof way is to ask them directly what they want. This might be the least exciting method, but if you do not care about surprising the other person, then this is optimal. If you are involved in a Secret Santa gift exchange, then suggest having everyone share their wishlists on a shared Google doc.
Person-type specific:
For the person attempting to achieve a more minimalist lifestyle, gift them an experience instead of a physical item. If they’re a Swiftie, there are tons of Taylor Swift dance parties. If they love adventure, booking tickets to parasail would be exciting. If they love fitness, buying them a pass to a fun fitness class (e.g., themed cycling classes) together would be a great way to bond. Some other ideas include a cooking demonstration, pottery class, or candlelight concert. For events that have specific dates,
had a great suggestion in their Anti-Gift Guide: “I’ll usually send a cryptic text asking if they’re free that day, and when they ask why, I’ll send a cryptic emoji and tell them to keep the day free. It’s still a surprise when they see what the tickets are for!”For those who sensory-oriented and love small pockets of luxury, more expensive versions of everyday products are always fun treats. Think of things they use on a daily basis—laundry detergent, hand soap, dish soap, toilet paper, lotion—and upgrade it. From Tide to DedCool, Meyers to Ouai, Dawn to Koala Eco, Bath and Body Works to Voluspa, these upgrades are not only useful, but also add more depth in their washing/cleaning/smelling experience.
For the person who already has everything (think: London Tipton), you will need to think creatively. If they needed something, they would have already been able to purchase it without any consideration of cost. You’ll need to dive into certain niches that are not easy to create, find, or buy. Some examples:
This idea isn’t relevant if you aren’t traveling at the moment, but for future Christmases, whenever you are abroad, keep an eye out for a tool, ceramic, or figurine locally hand-crafted by an artisan. These are usually items that cannot be purchased online and are difficult to find upon a Google search.
Make a dish from scratch, especially if it’s a recipe you’ve mastered over the years.
A creative food basket with snacks, tea bags/coffee, and/or hard-to-find ingredients that reminds them of their culture/ethnic history or yours. Or a blend of both!
A creative gift basket with items from small businesses they may not have heard of.
Fresh bread, pastries/baked goods, and granola from a local bakery. What’s there to dislike about that? Include some jam if your budget allows for it.
For the Asian parent who always finds some sort of way to complain about money being spent on them, don’t try upgrading their 10-year old tech (because they will complain about having to learn how to use the new version of it), buying fancy clothing (rest assured they will complain about how itchy the wool is on their skin), or indulging them in jewelry (because Asian parents take their jewelry very seriously and if what you get isn’t what they like, they will never wear it). This is to say that Asian parents aren’t ungrateful — they just dislike seeing their children spend money on them, in addition to the belief that they don’t want to learn to use new things out of exhaustion from change (upon immigrating to a new country, acculturating, having to learn a new language) — any drastic change or item that requires a learning curve should be embraced of their own will. With all things considered, here are some ideas:
Treat them to a low to moderately priced restaurant that they know well and love — one that they are least likely to say, “I can make this dish at home.”
A fruit basket. There’s nothing more exciting than a box of assorted fruit (to them).
Make sure you take the time (book the flight, make the drive, etc.) to actually see them during the holidays. If parents were to choose between any gift in the world and seeing the kids/grandkids for Christmas, it’s obviously the latter.
Upgrades are great if the old version of the item affects their health or you see them always complaining about it. Cordless vacuums can help with back pain, hiring a mechanic (or doing it yourself) to fix their broken central AC/heating system can ensure they’re not freezing during the winter and melting during the summer, or replacing their cracked spatulas with new ones can prevent splinters.
A commissioned painting of the family, or a framed photo of one.
Tailor their favorite pieces that need fixing. If I know anything about immigrant parents, it’s that sentimental items are the most difficult to let go of. Hoarding is a general problem all around, but when it comes to items associated with memories, good luck getting that item to the donation bin. Tailoring will help extend the life of an item they love.
No budget
If you do not have a budget for giving gifts, there are still many ways you can express your love and appreciation to the people close to you. Here are some Reddit posts that have tons of great ideas:
r/povertyfinance: Ideas for no-cost Birthday Gift for close Family Member
r/declutter: Stuff free Christmas ideas?
r/Anticonsumption: Handmade gift ideas list
Take advantage of your local Buy Nothing group! These groups are usually on Facebook — at least mine is! Especially if you live near an area with medium/high income folks, you might be able to snag something of high quality for free!
Let’s normalize regifting perfectly useful gifts that you have no use for. Unless the gifter knows the future recipient of the gift, there’s no need to tell both parties. If they know each other though, it would be ideal to kindly ask the gifter if they feel comfortable with you regifting it to someone else. My friends got me an air fryer when we first moved into our new apartment, but we already owned one from Mr. Beans’ prior apartment — I ended up regifting this to Bumble Beans (who never owned one). It was the best decision, because she uses the air fryer almost every day and tells me how much she loves it.
Type up a letter (Word for a basic format, Canva for something more elevated) and email it to the person the day of Christmas. Pens, paper, or a printer are not needed for this. For a more time-efficient gift, send them a voice or video recording expressing how grateful you are to have them in your life and all the memories you shared throughout the year.
Disclaimer: There might be that 0.01% chance that the perfect gift you generate from these tips and ideas doesn’t align with recipient’s idea of one. Therefore, always include a gift receipt if applicable. Though this isn’t ideal, as returns are heavily disregulated and commonly end up in landfill, this is still a better option than causing the person you are gifting to to stress out about a gift that they don’t want to use, like, or have the need for.